“1,500 civilians killed in three days
is medal-worthy,” Russian Foreign
Minister says in thick accent.
TBLISI, Georgia — Determined not be outdone by the American contingent responsible for making BMX racing an Olympic reality, the Russian military has taken drastic measures to force the International Olympic Committee to rethink the nation’s proposal of making Unprovoked Attacks on Sovereign Nations an Olympic event.
Russia’s military for the past two days has bombarded the separatist Georgian province of South Ossetia to prove to the IOC just how well they can in fact bombard. And according to residents of the bomb-stricken area, they’re doing a pretty good job. Some survivors say that nothing less than world-wide attention be given to the Russian military’s efforts. Keep reading →
Passengers forced to crisscross applesauce on red-eye.
ARLINGTON, Virginia — In what is considered a bold move even among competitors, a US Airways 747 outfitted with coin-operated lavatories took its maiden flight from Washington Dulles International Airport to LAX, while the cost to use its air-sickness bags remained free.
For seventy-five cents, passengers on all domestic flights will have two-minutes once inside a lavatory before the door automatically folds back open on itself.
Top brass still can’t find way
to send Bin Laden to justice.
ALLEN PARK, Michigan — When challenged to force a 6′2″, 244-pound linebacker from entering the National Football League, top U.S. Army officials are master strategists. But when their mission is to force a lanky, frail terrorist stricken with kidney failure and a bum hip to justice, it becomes the longest most anticlimactic battle of sudden death ever played out on a field.
West Point graduate Caleb Campbell was one day from donning a Detroit Lions uniform before he learned that the Army had a different uniform in mind for him. Unbeknownst to him or anyone else, Army brass rewrote its own rulebook regarding soldiers playing professional sports two weeks ago, stating that fatigues come before the league. Keep reading →
Autopsy report never filed for racial
epithet; recently seen alive and well.
Editor’s Warning: This story is about the the n-word, and contains language you may find offensive such as the n-word, Sambo and Stepin Fetchit. Since this story is about a really bad word, should you continue reading, we must warn you that also included in the story is the equally offensive word, wigger.
NEW YORK — For hundreds of years the word has brought shame, humiliation and anger to an entire race. During its heyday it was a popular pejorative to indicate skin color, to differentiate between drinking fountains, and to zing many a guest on NBC’s Dean Martin Celebrity Roast series. The vast majority of people, black and white alike, despised the n-word as much as they despised Vanilla Ice wanting to be an n-word.
The n-word was such a bad name to call someone, Hollywood writers took up the cause to show the American viewing public just how harmful it was because they themselves did not like it when they were called names. Their strategy: use the word against it’s own worst enemy — itself.
Often times the word appeared in a satirical context in situational comedies like The Jeffersons and Sanford and Son. The idea was to get people to laugh at themselves, not at George and Fred. Unfortunately, however, subtext proved too subtle a concept. To them, Stepin Fetchit was a simple-minded black man, not the first black man to earn a million dollars as an actor. Keep reading →
Secret society stood-up at
Washington DC Ruby Tuesday’s.
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia — With so much on their plate these days: inflating food and fuel prices so to overtake the world monetary system; inciting genocide in some countries for the sole purpose of supporting supranational institutions; suppressing ‘forbidden’ cures like urine therapy simply because it works too well; and according to a few devout bloggers, secretly selecting Bravos! next Top Chef, the Council of 3, those nutty ol’ pitt-bulls of the Illuminati, got dissed Magna Carta-style yesterday in less time it took their waiter to serve them their spinach artichoke dip appetizer.
TEHRAN, Iran — It is widely known that when Iraqi PM Nouri al-Maliki and Iranian Prez Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hold hands they’re not necessarily PDA’ing it out of a West Hollywood chapel, yet are publicly displaying a life-long sign of affectionate respect and friendship steeped in their culture.
To the region, their firm grip on the other’s mandelbar says the two countries are willing to live side-by-side in “per-fect, har-mo-ny,” much like the catchy jingle sung on a grassy hilltop.But to the Bush Administration, however, it says ’We’re here, we’re peers, remove your Coke-a-Cola vending machines!”
So what’s the next President of the United States to do: allow two peoples to live as they see fit, or park a military base between them so they can’t — somebody tell the California Legislature to weigh-in!
Wanna see more world leaders grippin’ the mandlebars? Keep reading →
Chicago woman’s “drunken regret”
becomes First Class Tail.
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia — With declining sales and another dismal fiscal forecast, the United States Postal Service today announced the introduction of the ‘tramp stamp’ postage stamp. Much like the Liberty Bell stamp, it too has a crack.
The stamp’s design, a tribal Rorschach test, is based on the winning photo entered by Chicago party planner Christina Young in last year’s USPS contest.
As with the ‘forever stamp,’ the ‘tramp stamp’ after once bought can also be used at any point in the future regardless of a price increase, however, will be redesigned every five-years to reflect the metamorphous human flesh needled with ink encounters over time.
Talk about party unity! James Carville told Wolf Blitzer that if he were Sen. Obama, he’d ask Al Gore to be his mini-me! But before you brand him a Judas, Jimmy then said he’d be delighted if Obama picked — you guessed it — Clinton! My o’ my, da’ cranky crawfish ‘emself dune pulled this here par-tay togeth’a, afta’all.
Al-Maliki Backhanded by McCain!
Trade those barbs, boys! At a fundraiser in Boston last night, Sen. John McCain said he is “pleasantly surprised” that Iraqi PM Nour al-Maliki “is now behaving like a leader.” That same night while addressing a group in Baghdad, Al-Maliki said, “I hope I’m still relevant when I’m Senator McCain’s age.”
Well, La Ti Da…
Such golden globes! Scarlett Johansson was bragging the other day how she has Sen. Obama’s personal email address. What’s more, the young starlet said she’s “amazed” that the ‘Dem with the Fem’s’ actually takes the time to write back. Ain’t nuthin’ lost in that translation!
Illuminati Springs
Into Action After
Clinton Concedes
Inside Source: “They live for this”
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia — Within minutes of watching the Clinton-Bush dynasty slip away, the Illuminati began to steer the course of mankind back on track.
Story developing... unless of course Les Boules gets a visit from a blind albino — yikes!
For young women, a return to
normal life; prom, butter-churning.
“She ain’t heavy, she’s 12.” —FLDS leader and self-proclaimed prophet
Warren Jeffs on having to hoist his seventy-pound bride to get a lil’ sugar.
SAN ANGELO, Texas — It’s a bittersweet day for convicted child molester Robert William Travers from behind the bars of San Quentin: on one hand he is thrilled that the men of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints are being reunited with their children; on the other, he wishes he too had found God’s tender love at the FLDS church — have mercy!
In fact, sentiment among all convicted child molesters throughout the nation’s penal system reflect that of Travers’. But for Chester Jessop, a polygamous dad who plans to wine, dine and 69 throw his female 13 year-old 2nd cousin twice removed a Texas-sized welcome home party, things couldn’t be finer.
les DÉTAILS: • Thanks to Corinthians 7:2, Christian husbands need only to worry about one anniversary• In Islam, men can have up to four wives at once• Poll: Texas polygamists hornier than Utah counterparts
Upon learning that a Texas Supreme Court rejected the state’s argument for seizing the 400-plus FLDS children members from the Yearning for Pussy Zion Ranch two months ago, Jessop, like the other men in his sect, spent the weekend preparing for his cousin’s return by getting his back waxed.
Dunkin’ or Dumb’kin? What Does America Really Run On?
Conservative uproar terrorizes
customers already jacked-up
on caffeine.
NEW YORK — According to Fox news columnist Michelle Malkin, it’s not the yum-o ingredients of a Dunkin’ Donuts glazed donut —Enriched Flour (Bleached Wheat Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Niacin, Reduced Iron, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Water, Palm Oil, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil and Partially Hydrogenated Cottonseed Oil with TBHQ and Citric Acid Added to Help Protect Flavor, Sugar, Dextrose, Contains 2% Or Less Of The Following: Yeast, Salt, Maltodextrin, Whey, Soy Flour, Mono- & Diglycerides, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Soy Lecithin, Nonfat Milk, Cellulose Gum, Guar Gum, Propylene Glycol, Annatto, Turmeric, Sodium Caseinate, Natural & Artificial Flavor, Gum Arabic, Potassium Sorbate (Preservative), Xanthan Gum, Agar, Carrageenan, Citric Acid, and Egg— that Americans should fear, but a ratty-ASS neck wrap celebrity chef Rachel Ray wears in a recent ad for the chemical donut manufacturer.
Bush “doesn’t understand” McClellen’s book; plans to listen to it on tape.
WASHINGTON — Ask anyone at The White House and they’ll tell you this much: Scott McClellan ain’t gellin’. The former White House press secretary, who for three years endured major foot, knee and back pain as a result of being forced to prevaricate stand from the sucker-side of the press room podium, showed-off a few talking points of his own on the morning talk show circuit, as well as a new pair of orthotics. Keep reading →
‘Today Show’ Creator, not savvy Hollywood agent, wrote
the Book of Newsertainment.
Have you ever wondered why people worship Bill O’Reilly? Do you find yourself missing Deborah Norville, or wish that Corky Sherwood Forrest was a real news anchor?
If so you’re not alone. No matter matter which Journalebrity® you petition, the Wørd they speak is sacred. The following is an excerpt taken directly from the good book, found in a pew at the Church of Bryant Gumble.
The Gospel According to Pat Weaver
1:1 The book of the generation of the Journalebrity, the son of the Publisher, the son of the Word of Mouth.
1:2 The Word of Mouth begat the Travelers’ Tales; and the Travelers’ Tales begat the Orator; and the Orator begat the Messenger; and the Messenger begat the Clay Tablet Writer; and the Clay Tablet Writer begat the Ancient Scribe and his brethren. 1:3 And the Ancient Scribe begat the Letter Writer; and the Letter Writer begat the Dispatcher; and the Dispatcher begat the Town Crier, about the time he either went hoarse or had the vocal cords ripped from his throat by annoyed townspeople. 1:4 And after the last larynx was removed, Keep reading →
(From l to r: Lou Dobbs tinted with L’Oreal’s “Rojo Loco;” John King swirled with Just For Men’s “Politicker Salt and Pepper;” John Roberts opts to darken his gray hairs with a Sharpie; Wolf Blitzer in the classic Clairol Men’s “Mortician’s Select: Greystoke” coloring; and Anderson Cooper au-natural.)
NEW YORK — Moments ago an inside source at the CNN broadcast center in New York City revealed to Les Boules the most trusted name in news’ secret to keeping the trust — and it’s to dye for!
UNCASVILLE, Connecticut - The Mohegan Sun resort and casino house comedian, Paulie ‘Punchline’ Maakuah, announced yesterday to the audience of his early-bird supper act that he has been diagnosed with a rare form of melanoma, thus launching a three-month cancer joke free-for-all. Keep reading →
Inside Source: “Last year’s tux and white socks were dead giveaways”
NEW YORK — Ronny Littleford, the ‘person of interest’ credited for taking a majestic and serene photograph of Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton during a recent Democratic debate, Les Boules has just confirmed, is not a photojournalist as previously thought, but a Staten Island wedding photographer.
The story is still developing but we’re pretty much done with it.
GIBRALTAR — A judge awarded €4.4 billion ($2.3 billion) to Thalasita Xostanthakraki after new video of her eighty six-year old embattled ship builder husband of forty-five years, and soon-to-be ex, Markraki Xostanthakraki, surfaced during divorce proceedings.
Guess now there is a hint of truth to all those paternity suits filed against Mr. X, after all!! VIEWER ADVISORY: Minors appearing in this video have been blurred to maintain their identity.
Poll: Straight Men More Likely to Google ‘Lesbians’ than Lesbians Themselves.
“Lesbians more likely to actually pick-up lesbians,” says Inside Source.
PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania — With slugs like, ‘As far as Terrance Conrad can remember, his dream has always been to have two women at the same time,’ online news sites have found what they have always dreamt of — skyrocketing unique page views.
NEW YORK — In a sweeping raid by the FBI, 50 members of the Gambino crime family were arrested earlier this week and to the federal agents’ surprise, none of those taken into custody were dressed in running suits. Keep reading →
Secret slush fund tracked
to Walgreens Photo Center.
WASHINGTON — Ronny Littleford, the photographer who The Commission on Presidential Debates is referring to as “a person of interest”regarding the”Near Kiss and Make Up” photo of Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, has been linked to a secret Democratic National Committee slush fund. Story developing….
Video game doesn’t teach how
to deal with suicidal tendencies.
BROOKLYN, New York — It drove Rob Pilatus, one-half of the dance music sensation duo Millie Vanilli, down a lonely path of drug addiction, assault, robbery — then later from an even lonelier Frankfurt hotel room — suicide.
Eight years on, Ashlee Simpson set out down that same slippery slope but justified her actions by blaming it on acid reflux and not, as Pilatus and his partner-in-crime Fab Morvan blamed: the rain. Keep reading →
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia — Short of faulting Time Magazine for photographing what he proclaims to be his “bad side” for a cover story last year, former memory Mitt Romney officially announced that he will put aside his bid for the presidency and give the GOP a fighting chance to ‘beat the bitch,’ a hushed rallying cry among conservatives determined to smack Hillary Clinton’s backside with a rolled-up Wall Street Journal. Keep reading →
ROCKVILLE, Maryland — Not a day goes by that Dale Reynolds doesn’t curse the name Matt Groening.
But to Judge Valerie Onisky, foul-mouth language doesn’t cut it in her court room, nor does Reynolds’ repeated assertions that his nephew, Tommy, whose head he accidentally popped-off last month while babysitting the toddler, will somehow miraculously reappear much like heads normally do in cartoons . Keep reading →
INTERCOURSE, Pennsylvania — While pressing the flesh at the Intercourse, Pennsylvania Winter Harvest Festival in an effort to bolster support, Mike Huckabee quickly joined a Lynard Skynard tribute band on stage when news of Mitt Romney’s withdrawal from the presidential race broke. Keep reading →
Digital Files Seized by Commission on Presidential Debates
Asks, “Who is Ronny Littelford?”
NEW YORK — Moments ago, The Commission on Presidential Debates, the governing body overseeing presidential debates, seized the digital files of photographers who were given press credentials at last week’s Democratic debate held in Los Angeles. Sadly, most of the photos were of the celebrities who attended the event. Keep reading →
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia — In a speech peppered with pregnant pauses that begged applause from supporters, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney dolefully added yet another prefix to his moniker: Former Memory. Story developing…
Frank Lupo: Stephen J. Cannell’s Younger Brother Sal ‘Just Doesn’t Get It’
Wannabe scribe flatters
big bro to death.
MADISON, Wisconsin — Cain and Able, Payton and Eli, Niles and Frasier; all siblings, all rivals.
But for legendary television writer and producer Stephen J. Cannell, creator of The A-Team and The Rockford Files, among other notable hit-shows, and his younger brother Salvatore, still looking for his break in the entertainment industry, rivalry runs as deep as a plot line from The Greatest American Hero, another one of Stephen’s iconic programs and, to a degree, a damned thorn in Sal’s side.
Frank Lupo, the elder Cannell’s long-time writer and producing partner, has broken his silence in a tell-all book chronicling what it was like to have Stephen’s “stinky, rotten no good brother” constantly stealing typewriter ribbon from their offices. Keep reading →
DNC Allowed Press Credentials to ‘Anyone with Camera’
Clinton-Obama love-fest
fuled by Flickr
NEW YORK — Les Boules has learned that the Democratic National Committee has come under fire by The Commission on Presidential Debates for handing out press passes “willy-nilly.” Keep reading →
Sandal Sales Down Again for 5th Straight Year in Baghdad
Sandal vendor + high number of amputees = lonely shop.
BAGHDAD, Iraq — Ask Tariq Mohammed about the free economy and he’ll tell you it only works when there is a demand.
“One day I have many many people buying sandals. Now, most of them do not have feet,” said Mohammed, from his sandal stand in the heart of Baghdad’s fortified Green Zone. Keep reading →
‘Nother (non) Celebuspawn Draws Attention at Four Season’s Resort
Fame: Sinch or Bitch?
GUSTAVIA, Collectivity of Saint Barthélemy — Gossip columnist and television host A.J. Benza said it best: “Fame. Ain’t it a bitch.”
But five year-old Cole Westington, child of background actors Larry Westington and Margie Brown-Westington, may never be able to answer that question if his parents continue to land non-speaking roles in big-Hollywood movies. Keep reading →
NEW YORK — A source close to the press corps at last night’s Democratic debate in Los Angeles tells Les Boules that the now-famed Obama-Clinton “Near Kiss and Make Up” shot was — get this — planned. Story developing…
NORTH CANTON, Ohio — The Stark County Ohio chapter of The Coalition of Lesbians kicked-off their annual recruitment and pledge drive with its ‘Love Us Instead’ extravaganza this past weekend here at the Hoover Vacuum Convention Center.
The event, which was attended by some 17,000 women, most of whom are straight and in relationships with aggressive and passive-aggressive men, touted a monochromatic festival of light, a Fry Boot fashion show, a bowling tournament and a guest lecture series centered around this year’s national headquarters theme, “We Won’t Kill You Like Men Do.” Keep reading →
LOS ANGELES, Calif. — With everything at stake before Super Tuesday, Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton pulled their punches in the first ever man versus woman presidential hopeful debate, much like how some couples do when trying to prove in public that they can in fact stomach the other.
SANTA FE, New Mexico — It didn’t take long for a jury to return a verdict of “not guilty” in a classic courtroom drama that was filled with sex, lies and streaming videotape.
Bryan Graff, a twenty-nine year-old handball champion, was awarded $2.3 million after having had his livelihood ”knuckle shuffled away” by Cyrollix Entertainment LLC, an adult website charged with producing and distributing highly addictive content — ooh, me so lonely!
If your favorite news site and your favorite gossip site were to ever get in on after a hard night of drinking, imagine Les Boules as the illy'jilly they'd have nine months later.
