Þ AMERICAN SNAPSHOT: Pontiac is Dead.

There Goes
The Judge

Recent lack of balls and design
prove fatal for Pontiac.

DETROIT — Pontiac, the once bad-ass of General Motors’ assembly line production vehicles—Savior to every guy who bought one during its heyday— died today after a long bout with poor management, foreign competition, Federal emission laws, GM’s 2009 Federal bailout and the overall effeminacy of America. It was 76.

GM announced its death.

Pontiac nurtured a love for pedal-to-the-metal excitement that began when Motor City designed a massive 455 cubic inch V-8, 310 hp engine and dual carburetors. During its prime Pontiac made men out of nerds, all of whom to this day credit the vehicle for doing the impossible by getting them laid.

√ SANTE

Beloved Comedian
Diagnosed with Melanoma 

“Thrilled to do cancer jokes now…” 

UNCASVILLE, Connecticut - The Mohegan Sun resort and casino house comedian, Paulie ‘Punchline’ Maakuah, announced yesterday to the audience of his early-bird supper act that he has been diagnosed with a rare form of melanoma, thus launching a three-month cancer joke free-for-all.

ΑΩ BIBLE TALES

BREAKING NEWS!! 

‘Dry Spell’ Over
for FLDS Men

For young women, a return to
life of prom and butter-churning.

“She ain’t heavy, she’s 12.” —FLDS leader and self-proclaimed prophet
Warren Jeffs on having to hoist his seventy-pound bride to get a lil’ sugar.

SAN ANGELO, Texas — It’s a bittersweet day for convicted child molester Robert William Travers from behind the bars of San Quentin: on one hand he is thrilled that the men of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints are being reunited with their children; on the other, he wishes he too had found God’s tender love at the FLDS church.

In fact, sentiment among all convicted child molesters throughout the nation’s penal system reflect that of Travers’. But for Chester Jessop, a polygamous dad who plans to wine, dine and 69 throw his female 13 year-old 2nd cousin twice removed a Texas-sized welcome home party, things couldn’t be finer.

les DÉTAILS:

• Thanks to Corinthians 7:2,  Christian husbands need 

only to worry about one anniversary

• In Islam, men can have up to four wives at once

• Poll: Texas polygamists hornier than Utah counterparts

Upon learning that a Texas Supreme Court rejected the state’s argument for seizing the 400-plus FLDS children members from the Yearning for Snatch Zion Ranch two months ago, Jessop, like the other men in his sect, spent the weekend preparing for his cousin’s return by getting his back waxed.

¤ Votre Monde

USPS to Issue
‘Tramp Stamp’ 

Chicago woman’s “drunken regret”
becomes First Class Tail.

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia — With declining sales and another dismal fiscal forecast, the United States Postal Service today announced the introduction of the ‘tramp stamp’ postage stamp. Much like the Liberty Bell stamp, it too has a crack.

The stamp’s design, a tribal Rorschach test, is based on the winning photo entered by Chicago party planner Christina Young in last year’s USPS contest.

As with the ‘forever stamp,’ the ‘tramp stamp’ after once bought can also be used at any point in the future regardless of a price increase, however, will be redesigned every five-years to reflect the metamorphous human flesh needled with ink encounters over time.

¬ SPREADING THE LEGS OF FREEDOM: Iraq

Grippin’ the Mandelbars

Al-Maliki and Ahmadinejad 
stroll about Tehran.

TEHRAN, Iran — It is widely known that when Iraqi PM Nouri al-Maliki and Iranian Prez Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hold hands they’re not necessarily PDA’ing it out of a West Hollywood chapel, yet are publicly displaying a life-long sign of affectionate respect and friendship steeped in their culture.

To the region, their firm grip on the other’s mandelbar says the two countries are willing to live side-by-side in “per-fect, har-mo-ny,” much like the catchy jingle sung on a grassy hilltop. But to the Bush Administration, however, it says ’We’re here, we’re peers, remove your Coke-a-Cola vending machines!”

So what’s the next President of the United States to do: allow two peoples to live as they see fit, or park a military base between them so they can’t — somebody tell the California Legislature to weigh-in!

Wanna see more world leaders grippin’ the mandlebars?