Lesbians To Straight Women: “Love Us, Instead… We Won’t Kill You…”

NORTH CANTON, Ohio — The Stark County Ohio chapter of The Coalition of Lesbians kicked-off their annual recruitment and pledge drive with its ‘Love Us Instead’ extravaganza this past weekend here at the Hoover Vacuum Convention Center.

The event, which was attended by some 17,000 women, most of whom are straight and in relationships with aggressive and passive-aggressive men, touted a monochromatic festival of light, a Fry Boot fashion show, a bowling tournament and a guest lecture series centered around this year’s national headquarters theme, “We Won’t Kill You Like Men Do.”

Stark County NCL Chair Marissa Halpern is enthusiastic about this year’s prospects.

“With so much violence against women in the United States [at the hands of men] this past year, we are confident to surpass our 2008 recruitment projections.”

According to Halpern, it was a stellar year for restraining orders.

But when pressed to give actual statistics regarding battered women, Halpern drew a stunning comparison.

“Every time a person blinks his or her eyes there is a woman in the United States who is either murdered, battered, molested or cheated-on by their significant other,” she offered.

Over the course of the one-hour it took to interview Halpern, she blinked a total of 1,200 times.

Halpern feels that by offering those women in otherwise unfulfilled relationships a chance to at least act like a lesbian long enough, her male-predator will lose interest and wander away.

According to an independent study, men are actually drawn to lesbians.

“Truth is women don’t murder other women,” said Halpern. “And as far as men dreaming of being with two lesbians in bed, that doesn’t happen very often. Just ask a lesbian yourself.”

Christina Miller, an Akron mother of four with a history of making poor decisions when it comes to men, says that changing her sexual-orientation just might do the trick.

“My family reunion is coming up in June and I don’t want to show up with another ‘I feel down the steps’ story,’” said Miller.

Halpern insists Miller would make a fine lesbian because of her refusal to make excuses.