4,125 AND COUNTING

Army Finds Way
To Send N.F.L.
Draft Pick To War

Top brass still can’t find way
to send Bin Laden to justice.

ALLEN PARK, Michigan — When challenged to force a 6′2″, 244-pound linebacker from entering the National Football League, top U.S. Army officials are master strategists. But when their mission is to force a lanky, frail terrorist stricken with kidney failure and a bum hip to justice, it becomes the longest most anticlimactic battle of sudden death ever played out on a field.

West Point graduate Caleb Campbell was one day from donning a Detroit Lions uniform before he learned that the Army had a different uniform in mind for him.  Unbeknownst to him or anyone else, Army brass rewrote its own rulebook regarding soldiers playing professional sports two weeks ago, stating that fatigues come before the league.

The Army strictly enforces its rules of engagement, and when they use the word ‘engagement’ as a transitive verb, the rules themselves can be bent or broken in time of conflict upon a soldier’s discretion. However when it’s used as an intransitive verb, the ass of said solider is theirs. Campbell’s, by the way, is headed to Afghanistan.

Army officials point out that this doesn’t mean Campbell’s dream of playing in the NFL are dead, unless of course he gets himself fragged, comes under friendly fire, comes under not-so-friendly fire, returns from his tour with a limb missing, loses his mind or becomes dibilitated by some yet-to-be diagnosed syndrome related to his service to his country.

In the event the latter happens, Army officials aren’t likely admit such a syndrome for at least 12 years which makes Campbell fully fit in their eyes to pursue whatever dream he desires.

les DÉTAILS:
• Fragging is when a dick in your unit assassinates you
• Bin Laden feared Morgan Spurlock making a sequal
• Rankings: Forbes names Detroit worst U.S. city to live in; Afghanistan worst country to live in.

Though the whereabouts of Bin Laden are sketchy, it was reported throughout the past year that his biggest fear was Morgan Spurlock following-up his 2008 film Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden with a sequel. But after having heard that American audiences were not interested in the film, the mastermind terrorist doubts another camera crew will be tracking him down anytime soon.