ΑΩ BIBLE TALES

BREAKING NEWS!! 

‘Dry Spell’ Over
for FLDS Men

For young women, a return to
life of prom and butter-churning.

“She ain’t heavy, she’s 12.” —FLDS leader and self-proclaimed prophet
Warren Jeffs on having to hoist his seventy-pound bride to get a lil’ sugar.

SAN ANGELO, Texas — It’s a bittersweet day for convicted child molester Robert William Travers from behind the bars of San Quentin: on one hand he is thrilled that the men of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints are being reunited with their children; on the other, he wishes he too had found God’s tender love at the FLDS church.

In fact, sentiment among all convicted child molesters throughout the nation’s penal system reflect that of Travers’. But for Chester Jessop, a polygamous dad who plans to wine, dine and 69 throw his female 13 year-old 2nd cousin twice removed a Texas-sized welcome home party, things couldn’t be finer.

les DÉTAILS:

• Thanks to Corinthians 7:2,  Christian husbands need 

only to worry about one anniversary

• In Islam, men can have up to four wives at once

• Poll: Texas polygamists hornier than Utah counterparts

Upon learning that a Texas Supreme Court rejected the state’s argument for seizing the 400-plus FLDS children members from the Yearning for Snatch Zion Ranch two months ago, Jessop, like the other men in his sect, spent the weekend preparing for his cousin’s return by getting his back waxed.

Hank Barlow, another FLDS member whose 16 year-old wife (yes, wife!) was among the children taken into state custody, made repairs to her most prized possession: a backyard swing. He also replaced the lock on her diary and hit her bicycle chain with some 3-in-1 oil.

“It won’t be all fun and games, she has a lot of catching up to do,” Barlow said.

His wife missed nearly half of a semester at obedience FLDS high school as a result of having been away for so long. To her credit, he was wrong.

“The moment we pulled up [to the house] she got right out and took the trash to the curb,” he added.

Some child custody officials questions the court’s decision. Cynthia Kirby, a child psychologist who interviewed Barlow’s wife, learned that the girl was unaware that man had landed on the moon.

Across town, Jessop met his concubine cousin at child protection services and was thrilled to see that she hadn’t lost her sense of humor.

“She took one look at me and ran back inside,” he said. “She’s always cutting-up like that.”

Moments later, Jessop treated her to a shopping spree at Jo-Ann Fabrics as she outgrew her standard FLDS-issued prairie dress.

“Of all the times for her to go through a growth spurt,” Jessop said, who spared no expense and purchased her an entire bolt of blue cotton fabric.

A growth spurt for a 13 year-old girl is also known as puberty.

“Can’t believe I missed that,” he mused.

Barlow went a step further and had one of his other wives, a twenty two year-old mother of seven who simply goes by the name ‘Mother,’ have ready a brand new dress for his 16 year-old wife the moment she walks in the door.

“With her [the 16 year-old wife] taking Hank to her junior prom in a few weeks, I wanted her to look good,” confessed Mother, who spent her own prom night giving birth to child number five.

Barolw, a 46 year-old insurance adjuster, is excited about attending his wife’s prom.

“Of all the proms I’ve been to nothing beats the after-party,” he said with a wily smile, sifting through a rack of tuxedos at The Men’s Warehouse. “Somethin’ tells me my dry-spell might be over.”

Back on the Jessop ranch, friends and family gathered in celebrating the 13 year-old’s return, who turned a few heads after she was spotted trying to hang herself near a tool shed.

Suicide, along with birth control and abortion are barred among FLDS members. Alcohol, tobacco, drugs, homosexuality, pornography, coffee and tea are forbidden as well. Jessop served sparkling wine at the party.  

The legal age to drink real wine in The Lone Star State is 21. Sexual consent, however, has two, count ‘em two laws men must adhere to when courting. They are: “If there’s grass on the field, play ball” and, “If she’s old enough to pee, she’s old enough for me.”

From inside the TV-room at San Quentin, Travers watched the live-news coverage of the children’s release.

“It’s a beautiful thing,” he said. “My only hope is that the [FLDS] men find the time to be more hands-on with the kids.”