Þ AMERICAN SNAPSHOT: Pontiac is Dead.

There Goes
The Judge

Recent lack of balls and design
prove fatal for Pontiac.

DETROIT — Pontiac, the once bad-ass of General Motors’ assembly line production vehicles—Savior to every guy who bought one during its heyday— died today after a long bout with poor management, foreign competition, Federal emission laws, GM’s 2009 Federal bailout and the overall effeminacy of America. It was 76.

GM announced its death.

Pontiac nurtured a love for pedal-to-the-metal excitement that began when Motor City designed a massive 455 cubic inch V-8, 310 hp engine and dual carburetors. During its prime Pontiac made men out of nerds, all of whom to this day credit the vehicle for doing the impossible by getting them laid.

But much like other powerful figures, Pontiac fell to the hands of one of its own. Though production costs skyrocketed for its pride and joy, the ‘72 GTO, the country’s growing obsession for a new body style able to fit through a McDonald’s drive-thu echoed the chambers of Capitol Hill. Soon, the GTO’s penchant for putting a cock magnet in the back of every woman’s throat it rolled by was reduced to the next generation of girls sticking fingers in the back of their throats every time its successor, the Fiero, began to roll down streets in 1984. 

Fiero, Pontiac’s ambitious yet poorly designed model that emerged in 1984, would become so enraged with the GTO’s muscle car legacy that the mid-engined two-seater’s engine would often erupt in flames. It’s also said that Fiero desired its first cousin, the Chevy Chevette.

les DÉTAILS:

• The first Pontiac boasted a 40-hp engine

• The Firebird was Federally-mandated to have side marker lights

• Bonneville’s large backseat helped propel the Baby Boom

Born in 1926 and named for Chief Pontiac, the 18th Century American Indian chief murdered by white men, Pontiac was GM’s ‘athletic’ brand of performance vehicles. In 1958 its notable model, the Tri-Power Bonneville, was the pace car for that year’s Indianapolis 500. Pontiac also had a popular feisty model, Tempest, as well as the flamboyant and often misunderstood LeMans.

But it was the GTO that held a special place in Pontiac’s heart. During its reign, the GTO became a household name after it was featured in such motion pictures as Dazed & Confused, My Science Project and the ’70s classic, Two-Lane Backup.

The GTO also had the disticntion of kicking dirt up in the face of dickheads upon command.

The Fiero, however, would prove to be the beginning of the end for Pontiac when, in June 1984, it brought great shame to the brand after a video of  a cockapoo out-racing the Fiero was featured on the ABC reality show That’s Incredible!

Pontiac is survived by Buick, Cadillac, Chevrolet, GMC, GM Daewoo, Holden, Hummer, Opel, Saab, Saturn, Vauxhall and Wuling.

GM plans a wake in Pontiac’s honor on Monday.