¬ SPREADING THE LEGS OF FREEDOM: Iraq

Grippin’ the Mandelbars

Al-Maliki and Ahmadinejad 
stroll about Tehran.

TEHRAN, Iran — It is widely known that when Iraqi PM Nouri al-Maliki and Iranian Prez Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hold hands they’re not necessarily PDA’ing it out of a West Hollywood chapel, yet are publicly displaying a life-long sign of affectionate respect and friendship steeped in their culture.

To the region, their firm grip on the other’s mandelbar says the two countries are willing to live side-by-side in “per-fect, har-mo-ny,” much like the catchy jingle sung on a grassy hilltop. But to the Bush Administration, however, it says ’We’re here, we’re peers, remove your Coke-a-Cola vending machines!”

So what’s the next President of the United States to do: allow two peoples to live as they see fit, or park a military base between them so they can’t — somebody tell the California Legislature to weigh-in!

Wanna see more world leaders grippin’ the mandlebars?

Sport

Mikey Likey!

Dude said “bad judgment” lead him to rip a hit at The University of South Carolina in November. Mikey even went on to make a promise in a released statement to Speedo, Visa, Omega, Hilton Hotels, PowerBar, AT&T, Kellogg Co., Rosetta Stone, PureSport and SwimRoom.com his fans that it won’t ever happen again. Ever. Not sure if he was referring to getting stoned, or getting stoned next to some schmuck with a digital camera.

Experts say that in order for Phelps to maintain his squeaky-clean All-American image he must open an aquatic center for disadvantaged children by the end of the week. If he slips up and gets busted for smoking weed again he can count on experiencing the 2012 summer games from Passages Malibu. A third, and he’ll be forced to find Jesus.

Célébrité

Milking Madea 

Tyler Perry loves old people. For the past few years the 39-year old has paraded his 73-year old Madea character around on stage, sent her to a family reunion and a subsequent class reunion, then whisked her off to meet the Browns and now, by all appearances, the multifaceted actor/writer/director/producer/movie title prefix is shipping his Southern grandma off to—cue the timpanis of creativity—jail.

As out of the box as that plotline is I’m sure Perry’s love for the elderly could blossom into even more hilarious motion pictures.  I see his genius sending Madea to camp or to school or to the Army (maybe even all three). He could also have her save Christmas or simply allow the ol’ gal to ride again. Scaring her stupid might be funny, too. I’m sure Perry will continue to allow Madea to live life in earnest, know what I mean?

What might become of Madea’s franchise fate, as well as sublime plagiarism, after the jump.

Voyage

Crash Survivor
Vows to Lose 20 lbs,
Learn French

Okay so I was wrong. Way wrong. After the miracle crash landing of US Airways flight 1549 in the Hudson River I was sure that at least one of its 115 survivors would score a book deal or movie of the week. Alas, my faith in humanity has been restored thanks to one Greg Lorentino (above), a passenger aboard the downed flight who recently told Larry King that he wants to cash in on his “new lease on life” by learning how to properly order for he and his wife when at a fancy French restaurant.

When pressed as to ‘how’ he currently orders French cuisine, the self-described foodie and avid chess player told Larry he often mumbles gibberish then frantically coughs as if something is in his throat, ultimately pointing to the menu while downing a glass of “fizzy water” in hopes that the waiter doesn’t catch on.

Later during the hour-long interview, which painstakingly recounted each and every minute leading up to the splash landing and subsequent rescue by first responders some 90-seconds afterwards, Greg said he was in fact approached by Hollywood for the rights of his harrowing experience but declined because he does not want to be portrayed by Tom Cruise in a fat suit.

Greg and his wife, Margie, are so overwhelmed with gratitude for the plane’s hero captain, Chesley B. Sullenberger III, that they plan on naming their unborn chid “Sully,” be it a boy or girl. But before they decorate the nursery in a US Airways motif Greg’s first order of business, he says, is to lose his “beer gut and first two chins.”

Funny/Not Funny

We Hate The USA

Mike Huckabee’s former presidential campaign manager Chip Saltsman sent members of the Republican National Committee for Christmas the comedy album “We Hate The USA.” The album was in stock at Amazon and shipped in time for the holiday but according to those who received it, the comedy portion is apparently on back order.

Recorded by conservative humorist [sic] Paul Shanklin, the album is said to be a satirical spoof on The New York Times and includes the controversial song “Barack the Magic Negro.” Many have been outraged by the song but none more than Walter King of Oak Park, Illinois, the only living African-American magician in the U.S.

Sung to the tune of Peter, Paul and Mary’s “Puff the Magic Dragon,” “Barack the Magic Negro” is wildly popular on The Rush Limbaugh Show as well as at Klu Klux Klan day care centers.

Saltsman’s Chirstmas gift has been condemned by current RNC chairman Mike Duncan, who said he is “shocked and appalled” by the CD but went on to admit that at the very least, all 158 committee members now have something to regift next year.

Saltsman, who is in the running to become the next head of the RNC, told CNN in an interview Friday “I think most people recognize political satire when they see it.” According to a recent Lampoon/Zaz Report Poll, 67% of most people can recognize a passive-aggressive racist while only 33% are able to detect subtly nuanced political observation.

Among Amazon’s 2,143,399 album titles, “We Hate The USA” is ranked #146 while the site’s #1 comedy album, George Carlin’s “You Are All Diseased,” is ranked #37,937.