There Goes
The Judge

Recent lack of balls and design
prove fatal for Pontiac.

DETROIT — Pontiac, the once bad-ass of General Motors’ assembly line production vehicles—Savior to every guy who bought one during its heyday— died today after a long bout with poor management, foreign competition, Federal emission laws, GM’s 2009 Federal bailout and the overall effeminacy of America. It was 76.

GM announced its death.

Pontiac nurtured a love for pedal-to-the-metal excitement that began when Motor City designed a massive 455 cubic inch V-8, 310 hp engine and dual carburetors. During its prime Pontiac made men out of nerds, all of whom to this day credit the vehicle for doing the impossible by getting them laid.

But much like other powerful figures, Pontiac fell to the hands of one of its own. Though production costs skyrocketed for its pride and joy, the ‘72 GTO, the country’s growing obsession for a new body style able to fit through a McDonald’s drive-thu echoed the chambers of Capitol Hill. Soon, the GTO’s penchant for putting a cock magnet in the back of every woman’s throat it rolled by was reduced to the next generation of girls sticking fingers in the back of their throats every time its successor, the Fiero, began to roll down streets in 1984. 

Fiero, Pontiac’s ambitious yet poorly designed model that emerged in 1984, would become so enraged with the GTO’s muscle car legacy that the mid-engined two-seater’s engine would often erupt in flames. It’s also said that Fiero desired its first cousin, the Chevy Chevette.

les DÉTAILS:

• The first Pontiac boasted a 40-hp engine

• The Firebird was Federally-mandated to have side marker lights

• Bonneville’s large backseat helped propel the Baby Boom

Born in 1926 and named for Chief Pontiac, the 18th Century American Indian chief murdered by white men, Pontiac was GM’s ‘athletic’ brand of performance vehicles. In 1958 its notable model, the Tri-Power Bonneville, was the pace car for that year’s Indianapolis 500. Pontiac also had a popular feisty model, Tempest, as well as the flamboyant and often misunderstood LeMans.

But it was the GTO that held a special place in Pontiac’s heart. During its reign, the GTO became a household name after it was featured in such motion pictures as Dazed & Confused, My Science Project and the ’70s classic, Two-Lane Backup.

The GTO also had the disticntion of kicking dirt up in the face of dickheads upon command.

The Fiero, however, would prove to be the beginning of the end for Pontiac when, in June 1984, it brought great shame to the brand after a video of  a cockapoo out-racing the Fiero was featured on the ABC reality show That’s Incredible!

Pontiac is survived by Buick, Cadillac, Chevrolet, GMC, GM Daewoo, Holden, Hummer, Opel, Saab, Saturn, Vauxhall and Wuling.

GM plans a wake in Pontiac’s honor on Monday.

Beloved Comedian
Diagnosed with Melanoma 

“Thrilled to do cancer jokes now…” 

UNCASVILLE, Connecticut - The Mohegan Sun resort and casino house comedian, Paulie ‘Punchline’ Maakuah, announced yesterday to the audience of his early-bird supper act that he has been diagnosed with a rare form of melanoma, thus launching a three-month cancer joke free-for-all.

Critics, along with cancer survivors, say what Maakuah is doing is no laughing matter.

Punchline thinks otherwise.

“If Louie Anderson can build a career off of fat jokes than I can do a few dozen about a metastatic cell spreading to my lymph nodes,” said Maakauh.

Maakauh, a native of Hawaii, has played Indian casinos ever since his parents abandoned him at the Hopi Holiday Inn in Arizona when he was thirteen.

“There I was standing in the middle of a the [hotel] lobby, filled with slot machines, knowing full well that my folks had left without me,” said Maakauh. “So I cracked a joke,” he added.

And that is all which was needed for history to be written.

Clive Shrewsberry, former manager of the Hopi Holiday Inn, heard the him say “toe nail clippers” and hired him on the spot.

“I can’t recall the set-up but that punch [punchline] told me not to abandon this kid, too,” recalls Shrewsberry.

Other punchlines which have made Maakauh famous for the past forty-years include, “Book’em, Danno!,” “Lake Titicaca” and “Ah, so,” the latter of which is a pay-off to his most famous joke where the fictional detective Charlie Chan learns that prostitutes charge money.

“I’ve always wanted to be edgy,” said Maakauh. “Having cancer allows me to go there.”

BREAKING NEWS!! 

‘Dry Spell’ Over
for FLDS Men

For young women, a return to
life of prom and butter-churning.

“She ain’t heavy, she’s 12.” —FLDS leader and self-proclaimed prophet
Warren Jeffs on having to hoist his seventy-pound bride to get a lil’ sugar.

SAN ANGELO, Texas — It’s a bittersweet day for convicted child molester Robert William Travers from behind the bars of San Quentin: on one hand he is thrilled that the men of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints are being reunited with their children; on the other, he wishes he too had found God’s tender love at the FLDS church.

In fact, sentiment among all convicted child molesters throughout the nation’s penal system reflect that of Travers’. But for Chester Jessop, a polygamous dad who plans to wine, dine and 69 throw his female 13 year-old 2nd cousin twice removed a Texas-sized welcome home party, things couldn’t be finer.

les DÉTAILS:

• Thanks to Corinthians 7:2,  Christian husbands need 

only to worry about one anniversary

• In Islam, men can have up to four wives at once

• Poll: Texas polygamists hornier than Utah counterparts

Upon learning that a Texas Supreme Court rejected the state’s argument for seizing the 400-plus FLDS children members from the Yearning for Snatch Zion Ranch two months ago, Jessop, like the other men in his sect, spent the weekend preparing for his cousin’s return by getting his back waxed.

Hank Barlow, another FLDS member whose 16 year-old wife (yes, wife!) was among the children taken into state custody, made repairs to her most prized possession: a backyard swing. He also replaced the lock on her diary and hit her bicycle chain with some 3-in-1 oil.

“It won’t be all fun and games, she has a lot of catching up to do,” Barlow said.

His wife missed nearly half of a semester at obedience FLDS high school as a result of having been away for so long. To her credit, he was wrong.

“The moment we pulled up [to the house] she got right out and took the trash to the curb,” he added.

Some child custody officials questions the court’s decision. Cynthia Kirby, a child psychologist who interviewed Barlow’s wife, learned that the girl was unaware that man had landed on the moon.

Across town, Jessop met his concubine cousin at child protection services and was thrilled to see that she hadn’t lost her sense of humor.

“She took one look at me and ran back inside,” he said. “She’s always cutting-up like that.”

Moments later, Jessop treated her to a shopping spree at Jo-Ann Fabrics as she outgrew her standard FLDS-issued prairie dress.

“Of all the times for her to go through a growth spurt,” Jessop said, who spared no expense and purchased her an entire bolt of blue cotton fabric.

A growth spurt for a 13 year-old girl is also known as puberty.

“Can’t believe I missed that,” he mused.

Barlow went a step further and had one of his other wives, a twenty two year-old mother of seven who simply goes by the name ‘Mother,’ have ready a brand new dress for his 16 year-old wife the moment she walks in the door.

“With her [the 16 year-old wife] taking Hank to her junior prom in a few weeks, I wanted her to look good,” confessed Mother, who spent her own prom night giving birth to child number five.

Barolw, a 46 year-old insurance adjuster, is excited about attending his wife’s prom.

“Of all the proms I’ve been to nothing beats the after-party,” he said with a wily smile, sifting through a rack of tuxedos at The Men’s Warehouse. “Somethin’ tells me my dry-spell might be over.”

Back on the Jessop ranch, friends and family gathered in celebrating the 13 year-old’s return, who turned a few heads after she was spotted trying to hang herself near a tool shed.

Suicide, along with birth control and abortion are barred among FLDS members. Alcohol, tobacco, drugs, homosexuality, pornography, coffee and tea are forbidden as well. Jessop served sparkling wine at the party.  

The legal age to drink real wine in The Lone Star State is 21. Sexual consent, however, has two, count ‘em two laws men must adhere to when courting. They are: “If there’s grass on the field, play ball” and, “If she’s old enough to pee, she’s old enough for me.”

From inside the TV-room at San Quentin, Travers watched the live-news coverage of the children’s release.

“It’s a beautiful thing,” he said. “My only hope is that the [FLDS] men find the time to be more hands-on with the kids.”

USPS to Issue
‘Tramp Stamp’ 

Chicago woman’s “drunken regret”
becomes First Class Tail.

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia — With declining sales and another dismal fiscal forecast, the United States Postal Service today announced the introduction of the ‘tramp stamp’ postage stamp. Much like the Liberty Bell stamp, it too has a crack.

The stamp’s design, a tribal Rorschach test, is based on the winning photo entered by Chicago party planner Christina Young in last year’s USPS contest.

As with the ‘forever stamp,’ the ‘tramp stamp’ after once bought can also be used at any point in the future regardless of a price increase, however, will be redesigned every five-years to reflect the metamorphous human flesh needled with ink encounters over time.

Doug Hanlon, Young’s boyfriend at first encouraged her to cop half-a-squat for the entry photo but soon after she won, says men will enjoy licking his girlfriend’s likeness.

The stamp’s brainchild, USPS director of consumer marketing Eoin Entwistle, was overwhelmed by the number of entries received after the agency announced the contest back in October.

Young says she got the tattoo while out one night during a friend’s bachelorette party.

“I regretted it at first but its come to remind me of the female warrior,” Young said.

For Hanlon, it reminds him of what a sweet ass his girlfriend has.

Basically, the first ‘tramp stamp’ the USPS plans to issue in June will have bold, crisp lines on a taunt fleshy heart-shaped bottom, exactly how Young’s tattoo currently looks. Five years on another design will be released but with faded ink and a newly formed mole. Officials plan the third design, slated for 2018, to be more askew than the previous, twisted by cellulose and on a backside that resembles a deflated beach ball.

Then, each consecutive five-year redesign will look even more trampy.

Grippin’ the Mandelbars

Al-Maliki and Ahmadinejad 
stroll about Tehran.

TEHRAN, Iran — It is widely known that when Iraqi PM Nouri al-Maliki and Iranian Prez Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hold hands they’re not necessarily PDA’ing it out of a West Hollywood chapel, yet are publicly displaying a life-long sign of affectionate respect and friendship steeped in their culture.

To the region, their firm grip on the other’s mandelbar says the two countries are willing to live side-by-side in “per-fect, har-mo-ny,” much like the catchy jingle sung on a grassy hilltop. But to the Bush Administration, however, it says ’We’re here, we’re peers, remove your Coke-a-Cola vending machines!”

So what’s the next President of the United States to do: allow two peoples to live as they see fit, or park a military base between them so they can’t — somebody tell the California Legislature to weigh-in!

Wanna see more world leaders grippin’ the mandlebars?

Prez Bush and Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah express friendship and respect often.

Leaders of Pakistan, Turkey and Afghanistan clasp mandlebars.

Rabin and Araft shook theirs in ’93. Clinton showed his off.

Former prez Carter, Israeli PM Begin and Egyptian Prez Sadat went all out and tied their mandlelbars in a knot.

The N-Word Faked
Its Own Death

Autopsy report never filed for racial
epithet; recently seen alive and well.

Editor’s Warning: This story is about the the n-word and contains language you may find offensive such as the n-word, Sambo and Stepin Fetchit. Since this story is about a really bad word, should you continue reading, we must warn you that also included in the story is the equally offensive word, wigger.

NEW YORK — For hundreds of years no other word has brought shame, humiliation and anger to an entire race. During its heyday it was a popular pejorative to indicate skin color, used to differentiate between drinking fountains, and to express Fred G. Sanford’s frustration with Rollo during Season 3 when the junkman so tiredly said upon a return flight from St. Louis: ”Bim bam boom, somebody get this nigga outta my room!“ 

The overwhelming vast majority of people, black and white alike, despise the n-word as much as they despise Vanilla Ice having ever emulated one.

As noted, Hollywood writers wanted to show the American viewing public just how harmful a name it was because they did not like it when they themselves were called harmful names. Their strategy: use the word against it’s own worst enemy — itself.

Often times the word appeared in a satirical context in situational comedies like Sanford and Son and The Jeffersons. The idea was to get people to laugh at themselves, not at Fred and George. Unfortunately, however, subtext proved too subtle a concept. To them, Stepin Fetchit was a simple-minded black man, not the first black man to earn a million dollars as an actor.

Despite best efforts, further big- and small-screen attempts were made to show that all men are in fact created equal. Morgan Freeman went as far to play God in Bruce Almighty to prove this point… and he’s the last guy who’d step or fetch for your entertainment (though probably is a millionaire).

les DÉTAILS:
• Sambo’s was a popular restaurant chain in the U.S.
• Wigger is a perjorative for white men who want to jump, but can’t
• Poll: Redd Foxx and Richard Pryor said it best

On July 9, 2007, the n-word was euthanized by the NAACP. According to the obituary that appeared in nearly every newspaper across the country, the n-word had been in declining health ever since it was involved in a 2006 incident with actor/comedian Michael Richards on stage at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles, and listed its only next-of-kin as Nigga. No requests for flowers or donations were mentioned. The n-word  was given a funeral precession and buried in a plain wooden box, though nostalgic eulogies and the Harlem Boys Choir were absent.

Nearly one year to the day the word somehow resurfaced; first, when the Rev. Jessie Jackson let it fly in front of a hot-microphone. A week later it appeared on the back of rapper Nas for his new album.

NAACP officials are baffled as to how the word made it back into the mainstream and wonder if they should have opted for cremation instead. In a surprising admission, officials now reveal that an autopsy report was never filed after the n-word was put to death nor was a death certificate issued, giving much fodder for conspiracy theorists.

The most recent reported use of the n-word was on an uptown A train in New York City over the weekend.

Dunkin’ or Dumb’kin? What Does America Really Run On?

Conservative uproar terrorizes
customers already jacked-up
on caffeine.

NEW YORK — According to Fox news columnist Michelle Malkin, it’s not the yum-o ingredients of a Dunkin’ Donuts glazed donut — Enriched Flour (Bleached Wheat Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Niacin, Reduced Iron, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Water, Palm Oil, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil and Partially Hydrogenated Cottonseed Oil with TBHQ and Citric Acid Added to Help Protect Flavor, Sugar, Dextrose, Contains 2% Or Less Of The Following: Yeast, Salt, Maltodextrin, Whey, Soy Flour, Mono- & Diglycerides, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Soy Lecithin, Nonfat Milk, Cellulose Gum, Guar Gum, Propylene Glycol, Annatto, Turmeric, Sodium Caseinate, Natural & Artificial Flavor, Gum Arabic, Potassium Sorbate (Preservative), Xanthan Gum, Agar, Carrageenan, Citric Acid, and Egg — that Americans should fear, but a ratty-ASS neck wrap celebrity chef Rachel Ray wears in a recent ad for the chemical donut manufacturer.

les détails:

• Dunkin’ Donuts serves 2.7 million people each day

• Rachel Ray never attended culinary school

• In 1992, OSU freshman Mike Lambros fit a dozen marble-frosted donuts on his dick

In what appears to be a blatant call-to-arms directed towards young Palestinian jihadists, the ad features Dunkin’ Donuts spokesperson Ray accessorized with a black-and-white paisley designed silk scarf, which, according to Malkin, is symbolic of a keffiyeh, a traditional headdress first donned by Yasser Arafat in Prague in 1956, along with ultra-hip Wayfarer sunglasses (or at least a really good knock-off pair).

After comparing the photos of Arafat and Ray, it is clear that they are wearing two totally different, yet equally ugly, pieces of fabric.

Fearing Americans might boycott their Caramel Swirl Lattes and Propylene Glycol-laden doughnuts, Dunkin’ Donuts quickly pulled the ad and are planning on shipping them to their stores in Pakistan, Qatar, Saudi Arabia and Lebanon.

To date, no one has accused of Ray-Ban influencing terrorism.

US Airways
‘Pay To Pee’
Program
Takes Flight

Passengers forced to ‘crisscross applesauce’ like
pre-schoolers on red-eye.

ARLINGTON, Virginia — In what is considered a bold move even among competitors, a US Airways 747 outfitted with coin-operated lavatories took its maiden flight from Washington Dulles International Airport to LAX, while the cost to use its air-sickness bags remained free.

For seventy-five cents, passengers on all domestic flights will have two-minutes once inside a lavatory before the door automatically folds back open on itself.

The move, which comes after rising fuel, labor, health and retirement costs, wasn’t seriously considered until an inordinate amount of passengers were heard to have a lot of spare change jingling in their pockets.

The trend of charging for basic amenities is not new, but US Airways has re-written the book by classifying lavatories as “in-flight destinations,” thus being able to charge a nominal fee.

“This has opened the floodgates,” said Shelby Duggs, an airline insider.

Duggs says that the carrier’s ‘Pay to Pee’ program is only the first of many. US Airways plans over the next twelve-months to charge passengers for: arriving at the airport, standing on-line at the airport, to use those luggage tags found on the ticket agent’s desk, to use a ticket agent’s pen, to check luggage, to carry-on luggage, for any emotional luggage in tow, to redeem frequent flier miles, to board the plane, to use the in-flight blanket, to use the in-flight pillow, to breath the recycled germ-infested air while in-flight,  to de-plane the plane and a charge to claim luggage.

They are also considering to charge passengers if the plane happens to crash.

“Somebody has to absorb the cost,” Duggs said.

US Airways spokesperson Erik Gray defended the move.

“There is no greater incentive for a passenger to get his or her business done then back to their assigned seat than having all of Coach catching ‘em in mid-wipe.”

Other carriers may soon follow suit.

Mikey Likey!

Dude said “bad judgment” lead him to rip a hit at The University of South Carolina in November. Mikey even went on to make a promise in a released statement to Speedo, Visa, Omega, Hilton Hotels, PowerBar, AT&T, Kellogg Co., Rosetta Stone, PureSport and SwimRoom.com his fans that it won’t ever happen again. Ever. Not sure if he was referring to getting stoned, or getting stoned next to some schmuck with a digital camera.

Experts say that in order for Phelps to maintain his squeaky-clean All-American image he must open an aquatic center for disadvantaged children by the end of the week. If he slips up and gets busted for smoking weed again he can count on experiencing the 2012 summer games from Passages Malibu. A third, and he’ll be forced to find Jesus.

Milking Madea 

Tyler Perry loves old people. For the past few years the 39-year old has paraded his 73-year old Madea character around on stage, sent her to a family reunion and a subsequent class reunion, then whisked her off to meet the Browns and now, by all appearances, the multifaceted actor/writer/director/producer/movie title prefix is shipping his Southern grandma off to—cue the timpanis of creativity—jail.

As out of the box as that plotline is I’m sure Perry’s love for the elderly could blossom into even more hilarious motion pictures.  I see his genius sending Madea to camp or to school or to the Army (maybe even all three). He could also have her save Christmas or simply allow the ol’ gal to ride again. Scaring her stupid might be funny, too. I’m sure Perry will continue to allow Madea to live life in earnest, know what I mean?

What might become of Madea’s franchise fate, as well as sublime plagiarism, after the jump.

Perry recently told CNN’s Alan Duke in an interview that he hopes to introduce Madea to European markets. I say take it a step further and make a movie of Madea ‘in’ a European market. In fact, send her throughout <em>all</em> of Europe as if she’s on some sort of vacation. Fly Madea across the pond to see Big Ben, Parliament, but never have her actually <em>visit</em> the landmarks because she’s too busy stuck in traffic trying to navigate her rental out of an insanely busy roundabout. Have her then traipse off to the Eiffel Tower, then to the Leaning Tower of Pisa and who knows, she could even burst in on a bewildered, elderly German village couple who she mistakenly thinks are relatives but who serve her dinner and put her up anyhow, all the while not knowing each other’s languages. Toss in an Eric Idle cameo and sit back and watch the hilarity, and complications, ensue.

And how about this: Madea could even manage to turn a lively thigh-slapping Bavarian folk dance stage performance into an all-out street brawl, after which she, fleeing hastily, gets her Citroën DS stuck in a too-narrow medieval archway after knocking down several street vendors’ stands. And while we’re at it, why not have her wreck Stonehenge?

Before that all happens Madea has to make it out of the clink alive. Something tells me she will.